Archive for the ‘Senior Jokes’ Category
Senior Moment Jokes
Just a few funny senior moment jokes I overheard:
Joke #1: Memory Loss
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, ‘I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.’
I said, ‘Well, then why are you crying?’ She said, ‘He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, ‘Well, why are you crying?’ She said, ‘For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.’ I said, ‘Well, why in the world would you be crying?’ She said, ‘I can’t remember where I live!’
Joke #2 More Memory Loss
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.’ Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’
Joke #3: Still More Memory Loss
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?’ Mabel answered, ‘I have a suppository in my ear?’ She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, ‘Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.
And a great use of Memory Loss…….
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference .
10 Lovemaking Tips for Seniors – Humorous
1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.
6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want… the neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.
A GF sent me this in an email…admin@dategranny.com
Oldie Songs Revised for Seniors!
Some of our old favorites have now been re-released. The following songs are on a new album called “Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies.”
Paul Simon — “Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver”
Carly Simon — ‘You’re So Varicose Vein”
The Bee Gees — “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”
Roberta Flack — “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
Johnny Nash — “I Can’t See Clearly Now”
The Temptations — “Papa Got a Kidney Stone”
Nancy Sinatra — “These Boots Are Made For Bunions”
ABBA — “Denture Queen”
Leo Sayer — “You Make Me Feel Like Napping”
Commodores — “Once, Twice, Three Times My Back’s Out”
Procol Harem — “A Whiter Shade of Hair”
Steely Dan — “Rikki Don’t Lose That Clapper”
Herman’s Hermits — “Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”
Credence Clearwater Revival — “Bad Prune Rising”
Marvin Gaye — “I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts”
The Who — “Talkin’ ‘Bout My Medication”
The Troggs — “Bald Thing”